One could wonder you have to scream, yell and criticize things that seemingly would not affect us. Like, why would one bitch about another's values when doing so seems like crapping on their lawn?
It is because if you do not crap on a few lawns in protest, then people may continue to put up gaudy pink flamingos along your street.
The irrational beliefs held by another are those pink flamingos, however they are much more dangerous - they could blow up and take out those who walk by that do not believe they are beautiful. Those in the community without their fanatical flamingos on their lawn are seen as blaspheming non-participants.
If it was not for the heretics, the doomsayers, the relentless nitpickers, and the not-so-constructive critics we would all be void of reason.
You do not believe in Santa Claus, it is time for you to see marriage for what it is.
The Obvious Reasons to not Marry
It's expensive
Unless you have zero friends and family, weddings cost money. People show up and give you gifts because they will at least get a meal out of it.
Stress is bad
You have many things to worry about. It is not necessary to reiterate how marriage negatively affects your health here.
The Deeper Problems with Marriage
Marriage and Love go together like sugar and shit
You probably believe that married couples love each other.
It is faulty logic. Think of one married couple that do indeed love each other. Does this then mean that all married couples love each other? Does this mean that their love was somehow enhanced as a result of their marriage? If so, why don't you marry your mother? You're demented!
History tells us that marriage has been an institution absolutely jam packed with superstition, religion and ritual. With the number of people getting hitched these days, one would think we were surrounded by Creationists.
If you would like a combination that is guaranteed to spice up your life, rub some Tabasco on your genitals. It is assuredly cheaper and less painful than a failed marriage.
Doomed to Disappoint
Remember (the many levels of) graduation? Marriage for many people is their own personal Everest, except they can not quite grasp that life will still be lame afterwards. It's like interviewing an old school mountain climber. "Yes, I climbed Everest, it.... it was cold. And high. Haven't really done something that cool since. I cry and cut myself sometimes."
Making what ought to be a personal speedbump into a life defining moment is the road to disaster. Getting drunk and signing stuff is not any sort of personal or professional acheivement, it does not make you a better or more complete person.
The Preoccupation with Possession
Individuals will be individuals. Unless you've married something inflatable, your mate has some unique qualities.
You like these qualities enough that you want to bottle them up, so you wish to marry your mate in the hopes that this would happen. However, marriage does not mean that one loses their free will. It does not mean their free will suddenly coincide with your mood.
When you are not married, you have certain rights. Like the right to leave someone if there exists, in your view, a good reason.
Even when married you can still get a divorce for any reason you wish - called "irreconcilable differences".
Now, if you were living in a theocracy, these rights would be removed if not granted solely to the male. That's right - anything that would fortify all the benefits you see in marriage - the commitment, the exclusiveness, the irreversability - only truly exist within fundamentalist states.
So, if you truly would like to remove rights from another person, move somewhere you can practice your marriage belligerence without harming my friends and family. Thank you.
Stuffy Social Status and Keeping up with the Joneses
Nobody cares about YOUR marriage. Everybody cares about THEIR marriage. In fact, if you were to tell people about your wedding, people that aren't married are going to be thinking about ways to hook up with one of your friends, and people that are married will be giving you lectures and boring anecdotes (if they aren't trying to talk you out of it).
What weddings bring to mind is the promise of free booze, cake and the possibility of finding somebody to bang afterwards in their sugary stupor. They aren't thinking of the things you want them to take heed of, that is the love of the couple being married. In fact I'd dare to say they are more than skeptical about the deal you are about to make with your mate. Everyone has the same mentality - they believe their marriage will work out fine, in the face of hard evidence to the contrary, and at the very same time they believe that most other marriages are dysfunctional trainwrecks.
Why are most tabloids and most gossip about messed up marriages? Cause people like to hear that someone else got an even shittier deal.
Engaged couples are like the people lining up at stores across the country waiting for the next game console. The Nintendo Wii. The Playstation 3. The XBox Thirty Five Thousand. They're lined up to buy the product that everybody wants, not realizing that their experience with the previous was not nearly as great as was expected.
Lack of any enforceable obligations
To reiterate the point made within the preoccupation with possession, marriage does not exist in any civilized society with any enforceable obligations. You can't force anybody to be faithful, committed, or anything else you wish them to be when you marry them.
So why all the paperwork when it does not stand up any more than a verbal contract?
Feeds imperialist thought
When you marry, you're like the Nazis running into Poland. You've successfully extended your estate beyond what is within your natural boundaries. However, all this new found lebensraum does not mean you are any bigger of a person. It rubs your ego, it gives you a false sense of accomplishment, and lets you feel like you're better than everyone else.
However the benefits of such an arrangement do not actually mean you become something more capable. You're still you. You've just band-aided feelings of depression, helplessness and irrelevance.
The desire to create meaningful relationships with people is good - it creates something of value for each participant. But marriage does not actually do this, it is a contract based on exclusivity and the envelopment of another's persona. When married, you're Czechoslovakia. You're Austria-Hungary.
Yes, you see, you're not some nice participating member of the United Nations. You just used the United Nations to shop around for another nation to annex, and after doing so no other member country is actually taking you any more seriously.
It's delusional
Marriage is not about being, or thinking in the present. It's about the future. You dream about your marriage with the same thought patterns as a crazy fundamentalist terrorist would dream about his virgin filled heaven.
How great would the world be if people rushed into martyrdom as fast as they do marriage?
Overcoming the Dogma
Help! My parents want me to marry!
Of course they do. They did it themselves and then produced you - by default, they subscribe to the idea that marriage and childbirth are worthy goals.
Congratulations, you now know how every gay person on the planet feels. Your parents do not have to be imitated.
If you're a full grown adult that is looking for validation from your parents, you are not a full grown adult.
Your parents created a person, not a robot to do their bidding. Hopefully you could have more self-determination than a dishwasher.
Help! My partner wants to get hitched!
Breathe. Everything will be alright. If you want to make babies with this person and follow them to the grave, then it is a good idea to get married. Otherwise follow these steps:
- Accuse them of being ridiculously self-absorbed
Getting dressed up and parading around in front of your friends? Are you for fucking real? - Ask them why they are not attending church regularly (if they are not)
If marriage promises love and they sign up for that, then they should also sign up for the idea that the church offers eternal salvation.
How a person could justify one but question the other is a bit of a mystery. This is not to comment on the churches' teachings, this point merely attempts to equate marriage to something your mate is likely to find far less "hip" and popular. - Dump their ass
Obviously they are a self absorbed drain on resources. Sane people exist.
Alternatives to Marriage
Granted, if you're going to have a kid, you may as well get married. By the way, in my opinion there isn't much justification left in making your own babies when you can get them for a dime a dozen in Malawi. Would you cook at home if eating out was free?
But you have no desire to stock a hockey team from your seed. You'd rather, well, do just about anything else. So what do you do?
Get a hobby
Hobbies are jobs that you enjoy doing, usually resulting in improved quality of life for you and those around you. Whether you think the world needs another knitted sweater, or the holy grail is at the garage sale down the street, or that there just aren't enough potlucks, there is assuredly more shit you can find to do than you actually have time to do.
Write a book. Go outside. Do anything.
Be a friend of the unattached
Even though you may want to run home to slither saliva over every opening your lover has, it is not good karma. Hedonistic dreams of getting it on with your mate once again do not provide any lasting satisfaction or feeling of fufillment.
Yes, sitting around and watching TV with your spouse does nothing for you as an individual, nor does it do any good for society at large. Get out, make more friends and add something to their lives instead of scheming up plans of mentally bolting your significant other to the ground so they can not run away.
Be married by default
Chances are, you're already married mentally. You're married to your job, the person you're dating, the interests you have and your favorite magazine.
What would a marriage on paper change? Would it change how you feel? Why do you not feel that way now? Changing your mind is cheaper than a reception.
The message is simple. If you are not about to pop out a kid, Don't Marry.