Handkerchiefs

My nose hates me. When I leave a warm house to meet the cold outside, or vice versa, it starts to run like it had just kicked Mr T in the junk.

Usually this event requires me to scramble for tissues or wipe my nose on someone else's sleeve.

I've since grown tired of the absence of omnipresent Kleenex, and bought some handkerchiefs this week. It was surprisingly difficult.

The local grocery store sold tissues and lightbulbs, but didnt seem to have a "Handkerchiefs" aisle anywhere. Frustrated, I went to the adjacent clothing store and asked where the hell people sold handkerchiefs. I learned that handkerchiefs were grouped together with underwear, which mostly makes sense. After a few minutes of searching, I finally found a set of plain white handkerchiefs. They were 3 for $5. I bought them.

Handkerchiefs are totally terrific.

If you don't own a handkerchief, you're one unprepared asshole. In the event of a disaster, The Boy Scouts would gut your incompetent ass and eat you for sustenance. Meandering through life depending on readily available paper tissues to provide you with some respectability, you will always find disappointment.

I don't know why handkerchiefs aren't more popular. They are infinitely more multipurpose and portable than the towel, popularized by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Handkerchiefs are the swiss army knives of personal hygiene, and is one of the few items available in a department store that is guaranteed to improve your quality of life.

What we need today is people buying handkerchiefs instead of handguns.

The greatest thing about a handkerchief is as you soon as you are packing one, you will not have any nose related issues again. It is much like a swiss army knife as described before, as whenever you have one, you never will need it.

Bring back the handkerchief. Go buy one now.