Relationships

Please read as attentively as possible, as so many people seem to be missing a lot of information about how relationships work. It's not hard to figure out, it's completely straightforward, but it seems that Dr. Love here will have to put the facts in plain english before all you lemmings subscribe to a life of stupid drama.

It's not a platonic relationship

If he's talking to you and you aren't related to him, he probably wouldn't mind planting you. It's a compliment. Forget about what you think you know about men.

Marriage is a recipe for disaster

Applications of math are everywhere, yet people that actually figure out the math beforehand are few and far between. Let's step through some numbers.

According to StatsCan, in 2003 there was an average of 38.4 divorces per 100 marriages. If you compare this with earlier numbers, we can see that the rate is steadily rising over the last few years. Therefore we can probably round up the divorce rate for 2005 and beyond to at least 40 out of every 100 marriages. (The peak divorce rate of 50.6% was actually in 1987, and with the lowest divorce rate being 34.8% in 1997 makes our 40% seem to be a conservative estimate.) It sounds like the odds of having a working marriage aren't nearly as good as many would want them to be.

But by now you should have realized that these numbers, like most numbers, are total bunk. How do we know that this 40% aren't the same people getting married and divorced over and over again? That would skew things by a lot. Also, I'd say that 40% of the population is generally nuts (either insane, alcoholic or otherwise far from a social norm) and aren't capable of sustaining a relationship anyways. Sure, StatsCan can probably spit out some more numbers omitting multiple divorcees and etc, but who really cares. They'd be a bunch of numbers with questionable value. Boring. I got a D in Statistics anyways. D for DONE!

That said, it's a real shame that marriage in western culture has been romanticized and politicized to death. It's basically a love contract, how screwed up can you get? Not only is it very unnatural and odd idea but it has become so engrained with the average schmuck's self esteem so much that they need psychotherapy if they don't have a wife and 2.5 kids. Marriage is a good fit for many people, but sometimes it's good to realize you aren't exactly marriage material.

The most entertaining thing today is the issue of same-sex marriage. Crazy people think it's a very huge deal. It's quite comical that a group of people want to opt into a program I would like to see banned. Yes. Ban marriage. It would make things so much easier. Once a prospective spouse figures it's time to get hitched, you could remind them that the only institution that really cares anymore would be the now powerless church, that it would do absolutely nothing to benefit your finances or improve your quality of life in general. Without the goofy forms, wouldn't it just be a huge party about a ring exchange?

However, if you are crazy enough to want kids, for christ sake GET MARRIED FIRST. If things are still peachy after the 5th anniversary, then you can pop out as many troublemakers as you like.

The CBC has some more funny stuff on the topic. By the way, pre-nup's are your friend.

Love is a euphemism for hyperactive hormones

That feeling of "I want to have his children" or "I'd like to plow her til the end of time" isn't love. Your job is to create the next generation, bucko. Quit watching so much Disney.

Talking blows

Relationships aren't about meaningful conversation. You don't see people running out to date a eunuch. Why do long distance relationships fail? Too much talking, not enough screwing.

If you need to work something out, either talk it over with your buddies or shut up.

The Grass is always Greener on the Other Side

Think about it for a second, and you'll realize that the dog on the end of your leash is the least attractive in the park. There is no challenge in an already accomplished mission. Things get boring if there is no work involved. Couples become lethargic, and "the spark" disappears. (By the way, I haven't heard any guys complain about "the spark" taking off - we have simple starters.) This leads into my next point...

Cheating happens

News flash, women cheat too. Women cheat just as much as men do. The stigma is that men cheat more than women, which may be true to some degree, but is usually overblown. I believe the differences are a result of the way the different genders react to being cheated on.

When her partner is found to be unfaithful, a woman will usually be a very public mess, usually announce that all men are pigs, and that she hates her ex.

However, men faced with a similar situation don't tend to exchange stories of that matter as they aren't particularly proud of them. It may even be relatively unknown that the guy has a girlfriend.

I know you're probably being dense and thinking "But I would never cheat!". Sure you would. When was the last time you were put in a situation where cheating was a possibility? In relationships, people tend to avoid going to clubs without their partner. Remove yourself from your partner for a length of time (say a year), put yourself in many situations involving alcohol and the opposite sex, and start the countdown to infidelity. If you happen to somehow not get propositioned, it usually means you're either hard to look at or your personality sucks or both, in which case, you're going to get dumped soon anyhow.

Also, don't even think for a second that they won't cheat cause you married them. People sign papers all the time, paper doesn't mean jack shit. Anyone can be talked out of anything.

People operate out of their own self-interest. If you don't reflect their own self-interest as effectively as other options in their life, the game is over. There are no selfless people nor selfless acts. Every voluntary action in some way reflect's ones own agenda and ideals. If you're doing something, it does something for you. Simple.



Right about now you're probably thinking I'm the Darth Vader of relationships. This all may seem to be extremely pessimistic about a lot of things, but actually it is only reality. Someday you will have to deal with it and drop the Cinderella hallucination and play in the real world. If this is somehow depressing, too bad. If you managed to deal with the other aspects of life that weren't completely subservient to your wishes, you will cope. Maybe relationships just aren't your thing. Who wants to lock their lives into insane commitments?

But maybe, just maybe this entire article serves my self interest. Spreading reluctance about serious relationships should naturally create more single women. Less women with commitments means more possibility of action.

Yes. Ladies, stay single. I haven't got around to you yet. I'm trying. Just relax. It will be worth the wait.

Patience is a virtue.