Retirement is for quitters

Retirement is for the birds. Old birds.

Sure, retirement itself isn't a bad idea. It just receives too much attention. And a semi good idea plus too much insane hype usually equates to one stupid mess.

Everyone seems to be on the retirement bandwagon. It seems like everyone is looking forward to retirement. Everyone's got their own delusions of eventually quitting their jobs and putting their feet up. (Everybody wants something they can't have, and things they want are rarely good for them anyhow)

But is this retirement deal a geniune goal, or is it a insane scheme dreamt up by the truly evil to create mass hysteria so someone can make a dollar off your aspirations?

For an overview, here's the SUPER DUPER RETIREMENT PLAN!

• Go to school and get your learn on for the most of the first quarter century of your life.
  More and more it is the norm to keep people in the classroom until they damn near grow gray hair. All it seems to accomplish is multiply numbers of socialist know-it-all's that haven't held a full time job long enough to pay tax.



• Work your ass off for the man for the next quarter century
  Apply your so-called skills to make someone else money. Be deliriously happy if you get more than 2 weeks vacation. Derive an unnatural enjoyment of corporate coffee. Keep a bit of money kicking around, so you can fund your kid's university education to ensure they vote communist.



• Put some pennies in the bank every year, make a bit of interest.
  This step is critical - its the fuel for your retirement fire. The same one that will cremate you.



• Manage to stay alive as long as possible
  Statistics say it's getting easier , with life expectancy gradually increasing. However with cancer, alzheimers, heart disease, erectile disfunction and senility knocking at your door, it may be hard to tell actually living or just alive.



• Cash out!
  ...knowing that you truly fucked the system cause you deferred your taxes and got into a lower bracket! FUCK YEAH! You really stuck it to the man! But don't spend it if you've made babies, as you're a real asshole if you don't put it all in your kid's inheritance! Not like you have anybody better to spend the money on, most of your interesting buddies are likely dead by now.



• Keep yourself entertained until your death
  Design and build poor quality birdhouses, do all the things you never were good at to begin with, wear plaid, work on your golf swing with your degrading bones, and try to walk off your latest heart attack. Avoid picking up the newest exotic flu as both might expedite your trip to the casket. Try not to die of boredom.

Fuckeneh. This is bulletproof! Where can I sign up? I'm buying into my retirement plan tomorrow, I figure it's a slightly better purchase than a big bag of crack cocaine and a set of hookers.

Then again, whats crack going for nowadays? I have no idea, crack dealers aren't allowed to peddle their wares like the retirement con artists.

Something makes me doubt that retirement plans are a hot item in the Netherlands. Hmmm.