The Most Painful Experience in my Life

Usually, I'm a very closed person. I don't get overly emotional, I tend to repress my feelings. I bottle them up inside, letting them tear away at my soul for decades. Everyone that has seen Oprah knows this is bad.

It was my method of coping, keeping things to myself. It was a very self destructive habit, hurting myself and others - so I intend to change things. I'm turning my life around, starting anew. I've joined AA, yoga and a baseball team. Everything is looking up and I've never felt this good.

For these reasons and because God told me to, I've decided to make this a day of showing my cards, and share the most painful experience in my life with the world. I no longer wish to keep such things to myself. I need this off my chest. This requires a little bit of background, so bear with me.

It all started on a regular morning, and I was preparing for work. It was the same old schedule, nothing special about it.

I was a running a little late so I diverged from the usual routine and decided to do a little bit more multitasking than usual. In my rush I was frantically running around the house brushing my teeth - I probably looked pretty ridiculous. Trying to find your keys, put on socks and practice good dental hygiene in the same second is quite the feat.

Then, the unexpected happened and my world changed forever.

For you see, this wad of fluoride goo wanted out fast. I needed to sneeze like there was no tomorrow and I had no choice in the matter. But there was no appropriate destination in sight for this flight of mucus.

In my pseudowisdom, it was determined that my best course of action was to halt all attempts of exodus of the slimey crap. It was my only real choice, but it also turned out to be a horrendously poor option. It was if the conglomeration of Colgate launched an full-on assault at my throat and ears simultaneously. I'm not exactly sure what happened after this, as my mind ceased to function for a period of time.

After regaining some sense, I knew I never was going to be the same man again. It has irreparably changed my life, leaving me to pick up the pieces.

I have seen and will see a lot of tragedy and heartbreak in my life, but this assuredly will remain as the worst memory of my entire life. The horror, the agony, the madness. Just thinking of it makes me choke up.

Be glad if you haven't been so unfortunate to have experienced sneezing while brushing your teeth.

If you do happen to be a fellow sneeze-brushing survivor, I feel for you, brother. You ought to come out to our Monday peer-help sessions at the local church.

Please, stay clean, stay safe, and be careful when brushing.