In this article we will not waste energy making up bogus words for fucking. Today it is not "making love" or "the deed". However, use of words such as banging, humping, screwing, popping, plowing and porking is allowed.
The taboo surrounding sex in many arenas is rather outrageous. It is an act that everybody has participated at one time or another, yet many people are more inclined to talk about what color their stool was this morning.
At the same time, it is rather sickening how fast the world turned from prudish to preoccupied.
Just as most everyone is able to fuck, most everyone is able to walk. But do people go round talking about different ways of walking? Sex is no big fucking deal. Vibrators should be something sold at department stores beside toothbrushes. Hell, they already do have a vibrating razor.
Even though most of the western world is eating up sex-themed television shows as well as the latest Cosmopolitian sex advice, it seems as if nobody really knows jack shit about sex. You do not see magazines about addition, as people seem to learn it and know it for good. Why is there so much repetition of information?
Sex has a certain set of simple rules. Within these rules, the participants may do whatever the fuck they want. If they must rely on magazines to know what they want, well, they're beyond help. So here goes.
The Rules of Sex
Do not record anything.
This sounds like a great idea at first. You take photos and videos of everything else in your life, why not just put a camera in the bedroom?
No. Turn the fucking thing off. A quick internet search will reveal why this is a bad idea. You will record your goofy looking ass grinding another today, and tomorrow your clumsy performance will undoutably be labelled "Amateur" and thrown on the interweb. Good job, Paris Hilton.
Remember the safety factor of five.
In early engineering classes they will go on and on about appropriate design safety factors. This is not on par with a mathematical factor providing a measure of safety, however it provides an easy to remember name to a very important 5-point checklist:
- Make sure he/she is not insane
Any talk of kids or marriage is forbidden within a 24 hour period before boinking. - Use rubber
The most popular use of latex would be around the wang, but a NASA-inspired body suit has shown to be most effective. - Perform a quick check of surnames and relations
If their mother's maiden name is your last name, get the fuck outta there. This is a more acute problem in certain areas of the United States and most island nations. - Punch yourself in the genitalia
After this, you may reassess your desire for sex. Ball busting abstinence is 100% effective! - Remember all exits and plan your escape route
This may bring back memories of airliner safety videos. This is because bad or interrupted sex is much like a burning aircraft. The best plan of attack is to get the fuck out ASAP.
Everyone needs to be medicated.
Seriously. All parties need to be currently using one or a combination of the pill, alcohol, Flinstones and Flunitrazepam.
Whoever comes first, wins.
Think of it as a race. Finishing benefits nobody but yourself, so it's only in your best interest to hurry the fuck up.
After you commit these rules to memory, you will understand sex like you hopefully understand how to multiply. There is no fantastic sex position that somebody has thought of that you would not be able to figure out naturally. Nothing you read is going to tell you how to better please your mate. Best stop overthinking shit, put the book down and put out.
There. Now we can move on to more interesting topics.