Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!

Weight loss can be easy! No exercise required! Diets don't work. Other plans are flawed. This setup is GUARANTEEED with three E's! And best of all, it's completely free. Save your money on the weird foods and stupid books. Readin' never did anything for anybody anyhow. But you can phone 1-900-SHELDON if you really want to, as I'm curious to who exactly has that number. I may need it for my future career in televangelism. Try the 800 and 888 numbers too.

But back to the weight loss! I don't make any claim to the ideas mentioned, but combined they form the most foolproof weight loss plan ever. And it's dead simple. Here are the big ideas:

Move to the moon
It's weight we're talking about. You will weigh less on the moon. Your mass will stay the same, but you will weigh a fraction of what your weight was on earth.

Convert to Metric
Face it, imperial sucks. It is a fucking nonsensical mess. Just think, having a mass of "136 Kilograms" sounds a lot better than "300 pounds". Go out and buy a metric scale right now. If someone asks you how much you weigh, give them the number in kilograms, then call them a moron when they have no idea what you're talking about. While you're at it, switch to the 24 hour clock.

Stop snackin', start jackin'!
Basically, the idea is, stroking the salami is better for you than eating it.

Sure, the plan sounds nutty, but it will work. Nobody has failed to lose weight on this plan. Hell, when you're doing some self-massage on your metric scale in your lunar base, your weight would be the last thing on your mind.

Comments...

sheldong - more on metric

This is the most ridiculous site i've seen today : [Link]

They have a big list of everything wrong with metric here : [Link]
Here is the funniest reason to not use metric:

"Sexist

The metric system has been almost wholly created and standardized by male scientists and bureaucrats. At the time, during which women were considerably less liberated than today, woman had virtually no say in the creation and, in many countries, the imposition of these units. Perhaps, if they had, the value of the practical units used in those tasks undertaken by woman at the time would have been recognized."

Just when I thought I had the dumbest site on the internet, somebody raises the bar of stupidity that much more.

leo - wow

Hahah. Read those links people. Not a sentence goes by that won't make you shake your head at the retardation.

Parrell - Imperial

Is that guy for real? He claims he's a 35 year-old engineer... talk about wasting an education. The Metric system is easy to understand if you aren't an inbred yokel from Arkansas. I hate how random the Imperial system is. It feels too much like this: "well Cletus, how far do you think we is from that barn?" "I dunno Jeb, but I'd rekon we's about two and a half times the distance between the chicken coupe and the outhouse back home" Yeah it feels pretty much like that when you use the Imperial system. And I don't know about you guys, but I always refer to distances in metres if I don't think something's at least a km away. That website is SO lame! Hell, the ONLY reason I like inches feet and so on, is, I'll admit, to me using anything called "Imperial" makes me feel all tough and cool as if I am from Star Wars...

sheldong - what sounds....?

what sounds more impressive,

9 inches or 23 centimetres?

I think I'll stick to 23 centimetres, because I'm fishing for chicks that understand metric.

Steve - 9 inches?

9 inches? Good god, man.

Douchy McDouchebag sure picked the wrong roomate to fool around with.

sheldong - more on imperial

more about inbred yokel measurements, just look at the definition of a mile:

# 1 inch = 25.4 mm = 2.54 cm
# 1 foot = 12 inches = 304.8 mm = 3.048 dm
# 1 yard = 3 feet = 0.9144 m = 9.144 dm
# 1 rod, pole or perch = 5 1/2 yards = 5.0292 m
# 1 chain = 4 poles = 20.1168 m
# 1 furlong = 10 chains = 201.168 m
# 1 mile = 8 furlongs = 1.609 344 km

I can't believe anybody would do any real work using this system.

I remember our physics teacher saying that we were lucky that he wasn't an asshole and making us convert velocity into furlongs per fortnight.

leo - stupid signs

One of the reasons the americans don't like the metric system is because you'll see retarded signs like:

Next Rest Stop:
12 miles
19.248 KM

So it looks like metric is really gay and complicated.

Ryan - Furlongs

My physics 122 prof DID make us use furlongs per fortnight!