Ultimate Weight Loss Solution!

Weight loss can be easy! No exercise required! Diets don't work. Other plans are flawed. This setup is GUARANTEEED with three E's! And best of all, it's completely free. Save your money on the weird foods and stupid books. Readin' never did anything for anybody anyhow. But you can phone 1-900-SHELDON if you really want to, as I'm curious to who exactly has that number. I may need it for my future career in televangelism. Try the 800 and 888 numbers too.

But back to the weight loss! I don't make any claim to the ideas mentioned, but combined they form the most foolproof weight loss plan ever. And it's dead simple. Here are the big ideas:

• Move to the moon
  It's weight we're talking about. You will weigh less on the moon. Your mass will stay the same, but you will weigh a fraction of what your weight was on earth.


• Convert to Metric
  Face it, imperial sucks. It is a fucking nonsensical mess. Just think, having a mass of "136 Kilograms" sounds a lot better than "300 pounds". Go out and buy a metric scale right now. If someone asks you how much you weigh, give them the number in kilograms, then call them a moron when they have no idea what you're talking about. While you're at it, switch to the 24 hour clock.


• Stop snackin', start jackin'!
  Basically, the idea is, stroking the salami is better for you than eating it.

Sure, the plan sounds nutty, but it will work. Nobody has failed to lose weight on this plan. Hell, when you're doing some self-massage on your metric scale in your lunar base, your weight would be the last thing on your mind.